My dad was the King of Target. He died in 2008. We just went shopping.

My dad loved my mom, his kids, his dog and Target. He never said in what order. He went from Target’s training program to CEO in 22yrs. The two of us went shopping more than 1,000x times. Here are the top 6 things he would have said about the Christmas set-up at my local Target.

Clockwise front the store exterior down…

1. “A cardboard end-cap with shovels full of garbage on top and 35 price stickers that all say $7.99… It would be cheaper to have a greeter tell customers to f*ck off”

2. “Empty shelves in the toy department 2 weeks before Christmas. Nothing on sale. I’ve been gone for 5 years and this is the first time I’ve seen hell”

3. “8 different 7-9 foot trees on display, all of which look exactly alike. The problem is customers don’t enjoy crawling on the floor of Target trying to figure out which of the brown boxes with a picture of a tree for the label is the 7.5 foot fir we’ve got on the circular. Put a strong clerk here to load up trees or only sell 1 specific 8ft tree for $99. Or move the store to a lumberjack camp. Or sell knee pads next to the lights and ornaments. Or put some labels on the boxes that aren’t tiny tree decals. Screw it, just grab an ax and we’ll fix this ourselves…”

4. “Still have that ax? If one more person is forced to get into this line when there are open registers and available employees and you I are going to have to go Shining on the store manager”

5. More toys… “Right on the lane bn toys and electronics.The cheap toy on the right is unrelated to the stack of flimsy plastic trays on the left. This is like not running ads during the Super Bowl… How are the Vikings doing?”

6. [the middle aisle at the edge of kids clothing (aka: Grandparent Village)]. “Clearance strollers on a pallet, another %#€>£+%? Cardboard and a ‘Danger: Wet Floor!’ Warning… Just in case the old people flocking to this department had momentarily forgotten the the fact that they’re one broken hip from assisted living. Avenge me, Jeffrey. Find the person in charge of this and avenge me”

Sh*t my dad says while ghost-shopping Target.